always bila dah start listening to EiTS, one gets poyo and starts to write about life, poignants and profounds. what one has gone through with extreme exhaustion, a recycled observation and trying to come up with new formulae and theories to ensure self wont be hurt just as bad, yet again.

well, at least for yours truly.

but that's life, isn't it. you just have to go through the pain. you can't make yourself immortal. you can't be ignorant about the pain and frustrations. you are the sebaik-baik kejadian as HE Said so. and to be perfect as we have all declared in our biodatas, parting messages, texts, Facebook statuses and Twitter updates and God-Knows what's next --- being perfect is by not being perfect at all.

What I have done over the long weekend. See below.

Unfriend a girlfriend who called me 'psycho' just because she doesn't have anything else to say to hurt me, because she haven't had enough and would feel better afterward.

Good riddance. I actually cried, though.

I did some charity --- wow, what a word that I can applied on myself. Gave away old clothes.

Filtered some and gave it to brother's girlfriend too. They'd be too metropolitan for a very, very small town.

Accompanied Mum to helped someone. Some journey indeed. And she said thanks when we left for home.

These days, on top of the fun of being away from home, being on a different schedule, spoiled with food and idyllic routine --- there's someone missing moi.

And he's incredibly handsome and an annoying, endearing riot to boot. 

Right now, I'm worried about Aki after I've not been home for the past fifty-two hours.

She seems distant.

Pfft *roll eyes*

She's a cat, mind you. Of course she's naturally like that.

so kan...
Adi's been working like crazy...
i sent him an e-mail of compilation of Steve Jobs' i-stuffs
e.g. iGrave, iQuit, iRest, Steve calling from iCloud,
Steve fluttering around w his little wings in iHeaven...

and then Adi replied,
'there is another 'i'.... i Love u.'

*hati dah berlari2 sepanjang pantai kegembiraan*

I must have been lying again and again. What I have been doing all these times, truthfully, is fitting myself as comfortable as possible into their shoes (each of my exes and the has-beens).

What was really sweet, not the fact that he dutifully listens as I raged about being left out by some girlfriends. It is that he lets me rant all the way and understands just how much the friendship with the girls means to me.

What was really sweet, not the fact that he dutifully waits each time after I am done with kitchen cleaning, wrapping up company's dinners or outing with girlfriends. It is that he lets me have all the time with others. Even if he does texted me in between, he was neither whiny nor annoying -- not at all. We would then be poking each other nuts until I start missing him all over again.

Thing is (so far), there is none that he does that I needed to question. There's that serene feeling, neither empty nor overwhelmed, just... we're good.

I may have lost faith in men, but not in HIM.

Simply -- always have a pocketful of faith each time when you think you're going to break.

there's a mixed feeling about 2011.

i keep having fun. and being blessed with so much happiness.
of girlfriends, especially.

cant help to think i have wasted eight months out of it too.
but throughout the period, i think i have never loved myself more than usual.
it was definitely a roller coaster ride.

and for that, i am rewarded.
along came samdol.

and i don't know why i'm pretty emotional about going to Singapore for new year.
death has been looming lately, and one is more than usual, aware of its constant companion
-- that's one.

and i guess because of Mum. sighs.
(two)

and for all those days i tossed and turned in bed, dreading to go to work,
it's nothing when compared to living the days in Alam Barzakh.
(three)

or that, don't get involved when it's nearing new year,
because it sucks that he's not with you when the clock strikes.
then again, we had so many days before us, and each of them was wonderful.
(the actual reason)

here's to many happier and blissful days ahead.

new year is just another routine checkpoint.
we will all be fine, and eternally blessed, Insya Allah.

Is it so ... ?

Last time I highlighted this so strongly to the point that I walked away from someone who I have been so-called involved with but without a so-called official proposal and bumped into someone else who readily commits by simply asking the question, "Would you be my girlfriend?"

Turned out, that someone else was a douchebag. Needless to say I was number two. Sekian.

Well, not exactly. That's not the sekian of the story. I went back to win the heart of that someone. Very rom-com material, no?

These days, the declaring seems so trivial. We're having fun, isn't that enough? If it doesn't work out, it's needless to make it hard, we'll just amicably go our own, separate ways. We can still be friends. Benefits can be negotiated later upon mutual requirement.

Do note that I am being utterly sarcastic.

And then there was the classic example from SATC --

"I know, right? We all told her to get married but she didn't wanna listen. He'd been married three times before so she let it ride. And then she came home one night and he had locked her out. She didn't even have anywhere to live. Such a shame. After 10 years. She was a smart girl till she fell in love." --- Unidentified Woman in the Restroom.

Read more here.

And after that Carrie coyly went around the subject to get Big to get married to her so she won't be kicked out of the penthouse that Big told Carrie, "I got it." since it's beyond the budget both of them earlier agreed. Plus when Miranda significantly gave the look to Carrie via the restroom mirrors when the unidentified woman left them.

And funnily, I coyly popped the question to Adi just yesterday on the so-called Facebook relationship status. However, I believe that we have cleared this up during our very serious conversation... can I shrug it off?

Other examples --- a guyfriend who's wondering what is he having with this particular girl, even when his guts are saying that this girl definitely has someone else besides him so he popped the question... and a girlfriend who, being with this guy for quite a period of time without any official stamp on it, and recently the guy walked away with someone else (refer my own situation mentioned above, but I can't say whether she is a dougebitch or not...).

What I don't like is that, when one can say that it is not necessary to declare themselves out there, but later they got with someone else and proudly, happily, a little bit out of spite, declared themselves (with the latter) out there, on the grounds that (with the former), "Well, we are not really in a relationship, weren't we?"

Please don't popped the question when you know it's going to be the answer that you don't want to accept. Let the damage be done with it. HE Always Has the better plans for you.

December really started off great.

It's not like I have never received flowers before. But this time around, it was exactly like how I wanted to feel. Surprised and overwhelmed at the same time that I forgot to breathe. I didn't dare to dreamed that it was from him, but I would go nuts if it is not from him.

But it was from him. Which makes it harder to breathe.

I was really, really not on the ground. I don't know my altitude at the time and I'm sure gravity had a really hard time pulling me back to earth.

And then there was New Year's Eve ...

And then there was the company's dinner. As much as the ultimate treat at Lafite and a chance to win the iPad 2 (which eventually, each of us got one, as a bonus from le boss) -- the really one thing I was looking forward to was that I have a boyfriend who's going to pick me up afterwards.

And he waited for two hours and forty-one minutes at the lobby. I went out of Lafite for awhile to looked for him and walked around the lobby 360 degrees to find him. The best part -- bending over to his patient face and hugging him.

in the edited words of Carrie Bradshaw ---

"And just like that, Adi Zhafran kicked my sweet little iPad 2's ass."

hi. i feel like blogging. 

i wonder if i only blogged when i'm feeling particularly ... intensed.

doesn't it work that way most of the times, tho?

i am here and i am all about you.

There were bits and pieces of thoughts inside this fluttered little head ever since December started. One forgot to breathe and was overwhelmed on the first day, dizzy and dazed on the second, and crying for the first half of the day and laughing almost non-stop for the rest of the third.

That is all.

*bersedia untuk mendengar komen-komen oh-sungguh-membina dinihari nanti*

Phew. 30 hari mencari cinta will soon be over for the first round. Rasa macam akan berlari ke arah satu pelukan yang pasti, selamat dan menyelesakan for the next thirty-one days. Tak perlu lagi beriya nak mengorat, mengambil hati dan menuruti kemahuan yang lain. Sekarang adalah masa semuanya untuk diri sendiri. *hands in the air*

Mengelirukan ya amat his way of showing affections. Di WhatsApp (my most favourite) lain, di e-mel (second favourite) lain tapi bila di talian, bersemuka, jadi lain. Sometimes the teasings are so real. Sighhh, terima hakikat diri tak layak bermimpi nak menyaingi Anne Hathaway. Ha ha ha.

+ + +

This is Aki and the guy is Halu. Aki's boyfriend has left her hanging for almost two years. She then met Halu and both of them are mutual that once the boyfriend returned, they will both say bye-bye to each other as if nothing has happened.

Of course something has happened between them. And the boyfriend returned. And both Aki and Halu adhered to their agreed condition. The boyfriend found out what happened between Aki and Halu and unintentionally made Aki suffered a cut under her eyebrow --- the particular spot Halu preferred to kiss.

See the regret in Aki's expression? Pride is sometimes too overrated.